Thursday, October 29, 2009

Strawberry Minds

I've had my share of tooth fairies, elves and pixies. Where dreams were filled with clouds of cotton candy. My life was shaped into a fantasy. Unpolluted, uncomplicated, strawberry minds.

I often wish I didn't have so much to think about. Didn't have a constant reeling, whirring sound to deal with. 
I wish I could look up towards a cloudless sky without feeling as empty. 
I wish I could look down at the pocked, rigged mud on the ground without feeling as hurt or violated.
I wish I could look out at the vast waters of the blue-green sea without feeling its depth.
Without feeling the weight of all that I've been forced to contain in me.
I wish I could look at empty pages without feeling the need to fill them.
I want to go back to knowing 'not knowing.'
Strawberry mind.

I'm hoping someday I wont feel the need to be attached.
Will no longer be a link in the chain.
It's not right. There's too much pain.
I feel like a river that takes with it everything it finds on its banks. On the way.
So much so that I only remain to be a mix of people in my life.
I pick up a lot from them when they come.
I just can't let it go when they leave.
It stays on.
Becomes a part of me.

I flow in you. You flow in me.
Or so I would like to believe.

You're still complete. 
There are pieces of me still missing. I just need help to find them. Otherwise I'll just have to fill in new ones. 
It hurts.
Breathing patterns are different.
I despise change.
I thought I didn't.

I don't need to romanticize my heart beating. Neither the sound of the rain against my window. Nor somebody else's tears. But I do. I picture. I build. I create. I need to destroy.
Strawberry mind.

Detachment is something I covet.
Attachment and detachment.
They're two sides of the same coin.
Now you're here. Now you're not.
I need to flip over.
Somebody needs to toss.

I need a clean slate. Erase love. Wipe off hate.
Strawberry mind.

Innocent, untouched.
Not reading between the lines. Not seeing beyond.


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