I often wish I didn't have so much to think about. Didn't have a constant reeling, whirring sound to deal with.
I wish I could look up towards a cloudless sky without feeling as empty.
I wish I could look down at the pocked, rigged mud on the ground without feeling as hurt or violated.
I wish I could look out at the vast waters of the blue-green sea without feeling its depth.
Without feeling the weight of all that I've been forced to contain in me.
I wish I could look at empty pages without feeling the need to fill them.
I want to go back to knowing 'not knowing.'
I'm hoping someday I wont feel the need to be attached.
Will no longer be a link in the chain.
It's not right. There's too much pain.
I feel like a river that takes with it everything it finds on its banks. On the way.
So much so that I only remain to be a mix of people in my life.
I pick up a lot from them when they come.
I just can't let it go when they leave.
It stays on.
Becomes a part of me.
I flow in you. You flow in me.
Or so I would like to believe.
You're still complete.
There are pieces of me still missing. I just need help to find them. Otherwise I'll just have to fill in new ones.
Breathing patterns are different.
I despise change.
I thought I didn't.
I don't need to romanticize my heart beating. Neither the sound of the rain against my window. Nor somebody else's tears. But I do. I picture. I build. I create. I need to destroy.
Detachment is something I covet.
Attachment and detachment.
They're two sides of the same coin.
Now you're here. Now you're not.
I need to flip over.
Somebody needs to toss.
I need a clean slate. Erase love. Wipe off hate.
Not reading between the lines. Not seeing beyond.