Strawberry Minds

I've had my share of tooth fairies, elves and pixies. Where dreams were filled with clouds of cotton candy. My life was shaped into a fantasy. Unpolluted, uncomplicated, strawberry minds.

I often wish I didn't have so much to think about. Didn't have a constant reeling, whirring sound to deal with. 

I wish I could look up towards a cloudless sky without feeling as empty. 

I wish I could look down at the pocked, rigged mud on the ground without feeling as hurt or violated.

I wish I could look out at the vast waters of the blue-green sea without feeling its depth.

Without feeling the weight of all that I've been forced to contain in me.

I wish I could look at empty pages without feeling the need to fill them.

I want to go back to knowing 'not knowing.'

Strawberry mind.

I'm hoping someday I wont feel the need to be attached.

Will no longer be a link in the chain.

It's not right. There's too much pain.

I feel like a river that takes with it everything it finds on its banks. On the way.

So much so that I only remain to be a mix of people in my life.

I pick up a lot from them when they come.

I just can't let it go when they leave.

It stays on.

Becomes a part of me.

I flow in you. You flow in me.

Or so I would like to believe.

You're still complete. 

There are pieces of me still missing. I just need help to find them. Otherwise I'll just have to fill in new ones. 

It hurts.

Breathing patterns are different.

I despise change.

I thought I didn't.

I don't need to romanticize my heart beating. Neither the sound of the rain against my window. Nor somebody else's tears. But I do. I picture. I build. I create. I need to destroy.

Strawberry mind.

Detachment is something I covet.

Attachment and detachment.

They're two sides of the same coin.

Now you're here. Now you're not.

I need to flip over.

Somebody needs to toss.

I need a clean slate. Erase love. Wipe off hate.

Strawberry mind.

Innocent, untouched.

Not reading between the lines. Not seeing beyond.

Clear.

Unobtrusive.

Mind.

 

Home. Forbidden.

I was standing there,

on that rickety bridge.

I was standing there alone.

Waiting to go home.

It was dark and chilly,

that time when you'd left me.

People passing by would secretly laugh at me.

They thought I was silly.

I remembered you as a royal blue.

Depth with flair.

They laughed again,

called you a sky blue.

Shallow and pale.

Disenchanting.

They gave me a sad song to sing.

I don't quite know why,

I'd never wanted to say goodbye.

The cold stabs at me.

I gasp.

My tears don't stop,

I'm losing grasp.

I want to go back to the alley now forgotten,

to the paths less trodden.

To the narrow passage ways,

therein my destiny lays.

They tell me I deserve better.

But do I want to deserve better?

I'll always owe you.

Will always be a debtor.

What can I do from here?

I haven't budged.

The pain sears.

It's cold.

It's hot.

I'm numb.

Those dark waters under the bridge, I'm told, are forbidden.

I've been shackled too much.

'Forbidden' intrigues me.

It calls out to me.

It promises to set me free.

The blue-black picture engulfs me.

But then a pair of faint, yet piercing red eyes, lure me.

Hypnotized.

Will you come back?

Because then I wont leave the bridge.

I wont move.

But the eyes want me to stop asking that question.

They want me to bury you.

Far amongst the graves,

painted in colourless hues.

I hate them for taking you away.

They conspired and contrived.

For them life is a stage,

a big, ornate play.

They offered me a part,

I didn't accept.

So they went ahead and robbed me of you instead.

Bulls-eye.

A light flickers.

The eyes vanish.

I'm forced to stay where I was.

Again.

I'm attracting attention now.

Why don't you understand?

I can't keep standing for much longer.

But you're only getting stronger and stronger.

I see the eyes once more.

Followed by many more.

Looking to scalp me.

Scald me.

Torture me.

But what have I done wrong?

I only wanted to go home.

Love lost,

deep, biting frost.

They set me to fire.

Cold, cold fire. 

Flames.

Luminescent, moonlit night.

I didn't even put up a fight.

Fearless.

Emotionless.

It's like burning a corpse.

How brave is that.

Irony.

Melancholy.

Take a good look,

I'm your nightmare.

There are no rules anymore.

Now it's just debatable folklore.

I'm passing on the song,

it's now time for you to sing.

I'll be heading home.

Submerging myself in the 'dark waters.'

While you wait to be crowned king.

I don't care any longer to change my image in your head.

Vanity personified.

Immaturity?

Sleep with it.

You're contaminated anyway.

Enjoy the facade.

You and your "pack."

It's me who gets to go home.

From where I'll sit and laugh.

As I watch your worlds collide.

No malice.

It's time.

I'm facing the fall.

Phoenix feathers and vampire fangs.

Be prepared.

I'll bring down one and all...

Death Hunt

She smells you.
Devours it too.
Her claws reaching out.
You scream, you shout.
But that's when you look around and see.
Barren, empty land.
Stifling heat.

She's an image of what you wanted her to be.
Hollow eyes, hollow heart.
Pseudo peace.
Deceptive serenity.

But does she shine enough?
Oh.
So it's too much for you now.
She's closing in.
She'll find you soon enough.

Someone once said,
'be careful of what you wish for.'
You look up.
You missed the predator soar.

Tired and haggard.
Sweaty yet sly.
You look for a respite.
Hide, hide.
What a pity, what a sight!

She gets a sense of deja vu.
She smells you.
Then takes one last plunge.

Breathe in your last few moments.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale...

Dear Heartbreakers...

Dear Heartbreakers,

I thought you all should know exactly the way we feel after you, well, break our hearts. So I'm going to tell you, and I'll try being as honest and even nice while I do so, when all I should really do is yank your eyeballs out of their sockets.

Remember that first time you held her hand? It wasn't such a big deal was it? Obviously not. Because all you were thinking of was how you were going to make your next move. You want to know what she felt? Nothing in the world would probably give her the sheer joy, the bliss, of just sitting beside you, having her fingers locked in yours, melting with pure happiness. For all of you it was just a moment amongst many. For us, that one moment, could form a story...

Remember when you finally went down on your knees and said those magical words? Of course you do. That was the "move" that finally allowed you to do whatever the hell you wanted with her, or so you thought. You want to know what it signified for us? We thought, 'hey, he really loves me! He really wants to be with me... and nobody else!' You thought, 'yeah well, we'll see.'

Finally, do you remember when you sat her down and told her, "I don't think it's working out for us anymore, we both want different things," and she thought 'but you want me and I want you. What's so different about that?' Then you said, "I really like you, but I just don't want to hurt you," she thought, 'I'm half-dead already,' and your final blow, "let's please remain good friends?" What about her? You really want to know? She thought, 'I'd do anything you want me to. Even this.'

Then what? You "move on." You tell her to "move on." Don't you dare. Because it's really none of your business.

Wallowing in self-pity,

Yours truly.

P.S. F*** you.

The Ice-Sculpture

Sitting on the soft, green grass,
my toes curling,
I feel the warm tickle against my stone-cold feet.
Now stone-cold.
Just like every other part of my dejected body.

My eyes turn towards the shimmering brook.
Crystal-blue water.
Crystal-blue eyes.

The only thing I can relate to,
is that sole, desolate tree.
Sagging branches.
Tear-stains on its bark.

The sky doesn't seem vast enough to embrace me.
Contain me.

So I try standing up...
Try getting back on my feet...
It's too hard.
Too much work.
I need a hand to hold.

That's when it hit me.
I'm nothing but an ice-sculpture.
Waiting to melt...

Paparazzi

She opened her eyes to flashes, snapshots.
Paparazzi.

You can't see her anymore.
Surrounded by the dull pall of smoke.
Significant of your own demise.

For her it's a reincarnation.
For you... You won't ever stop. Ever.
With the blame game,
will you?
Paparazzi.

Champagne glasses clinked.
Dark rooms blinked.
She chooses to immerse herself.
She put away her addiction, her obsession.
She put you away.
Far on a dusty shelf.

Her thoughts still stray.
Her life a living stage.
People see her differently.
Who people?
The dummies.
With buttons for eyes.
Paparazzi.

Too late.
Don't call out to her now.
Blue blood is all that flows through her veins.
She's shielded.
From the disease called 'You.'

Why are you still trying?
Paparazzi?

As always.
Nobody cares.

The Ghost.

The way you looked at me,
the way you smiled.
One by one all the memories piled.
Soon enough, I cried myself to sleep, just like a little child.

The way your hands felt in mine.
And how they'd entwine.
Your smell still lingers, 
but only in my head,
and it leaves in me, a feeling of dread.

I've tried and tried to forget.
I've tried to remove every sense of regret.
But why wont you leave me alone?
Just have a look at what I've become.
Descend from your fantastical throne.

I shut you out, 
but you always come back to haunt.
I tried to drown the thoughts,
but they bobbed right back.
I tried to cut you off,
but I just see you more and more.
Everything you do and how much ever I see,
I can't help but think,
'Oh how I wish he was with me.'

If only there was a way,
if only you gave me a chance,
I could be all that you wanted me to be.

Seldom do I seem so pathetic,
even to myself.
Seldom do I lie,
even to myself.

I wish you a life of happiness,
I wish you do all that you set out to do.
I just wish me one of oblivion.

Free me of this pain.
Take off me these chains.

You kissed me goodbye.
And left me in the middle of Nowhere.
Now here I am,
all alone,
with nothing to give and nothing to share.

"I'm Just An Ordinary Girl"

Shining stars, gleaming smiles, echoing laughter, 
But all this while, 
Been in a dream...I didn't know... 
I'm just an ordinary girl i didn't know... 

You laugh... 
I cry... 
But how would you see, 
When it's raining all the time? 
Escaping teardrops that contain, 
The agony, the anguish, the pain... 
The whole time i didn't know... 
I'm just an ordinary girl I should've known... 

The leaves turn gold, 
The heartache heals, 
The throbbing love, 
in a dark corner, itself seals... 

Why does he look at me that way? 
Does he not know? 
With nothing to give and nothing to share... 
My cries still drowning the summer air... 

Blooming roses and winter chills. 
Would be glad of the oblivion, 
Would be glad of the death, 
If only it took love out of my breath... 
Oh how i wish he knew, 
I'm just an ordinary girl I wish he knew... 

Sweet spring, sweet life... 
But what do i see? 
There you are on your knees, 
Beside the man who would always be. 
Oh Lord don't make me choose... 
Don't make me fight a battle I would always lose. 

Only give me the strength, the courage, the sanity... 
Make me walk till the sun rises, 
The horizon turns pink, 
And forgiven are my vices. 

Make me realize and accept... 
That I'm just an ordinary girl... 
Holding on, hanging on, 
And waiting with baited breath.......