Don't believe.
It's a vicious thing, this love.
It makes you believe, it makes you trust.
It clutches onto your throat and claws its way upto your head, and pounds its way down to your heart.
It tears you, and rips you apart, into a million shards.
Of glass.
Of disbelief.
It cuts you and discards you in a bin of life that you never thought you'd have to see.
Free. Freedom. An impossible attainment. Let me be.
I don't want you anymore. I just need you. I need you to make me feel wanted.
No. To give me a reason of existence again.
I could make any of your kind do that. But I picked you. And let go of a tiny detail. You didn't pick me.
He picked. Even HE picked. Put all my convictions to shame. Karma. But I'm ok. I promise.
I'll make it go away. Despite my seams of pathos and desperation I'll make your doubts go away. But now I have to go away.
You're wrapping me in unique sheets of isolation. And then hooking me up on the walls of your convenience. You're picking, choosing and deciding and it's nothing that he didn't do to me before, him the one with the option of not having me as an option. Or him, the one with the month to spare. Or him, who snapped out of it just in time and didn't inform me.
I'm used to it. But it's a used I don't want to be.
A habit I don't want to keep.
I hate this. And I secretly hate enjoying this part of 1 a.m. tears and Classic Milds when I prefer Benson Lights so I just throw half of it away and hope the guards downstairs don't complain. When did it get so bad. That I made peace with my own absurd prerogatives?
It got here today. And I despise today. I want to despise you, if only I could. I'll attend my 8 a.m. lecture and hate it. Stand in the foyer two and a half hours later, and live, then want to relive, the pain. Let you in again just so you can capture me on film. Publish and freeze. Because those are the only moments it's not about your 80-20. I want a 100, and I know that when that happens. It wont favor me.
The realization, is cutting its way slowly through the point where my wrist meets my palm but I go on, and i just. don't. stop. Only now. Make that 4 seconds worth of rest.
Blink, blink, blink. No sleep. Girls who care too much for their own good, are too far away for mine. But evoke gratitude nonetheless. I can't even dial you any longer. Because you're dreaming. And I just wish I was too.
Good night my almost lover. Summer 2012, wish it were here already.
It's a vicious thing, this love.
It makes you believe, it makes you trust.
It clutches onto your throat and claws its way upto your head, and pounds its way down to your heart.
It tears you, and rips you apart, into a million shards.
Of glass.
Of disbelief.
It cuts you and discards you in a bin of life that you never thought you'd have to see.
Free. Freedom. An impossible attainment. Let me be.
I don't want you anymore. I just need you. I need you to make me feel wanted.
No. To give me a reason of existence again.
I could make any of your kind do that. But I picked you. And let go of a tiny detail. You didn't pick me.
He picked. Even HE picked. Put all my convictions to shame. Karma. But I'm ok. I promise.
I'll make it go away. Despite my seams of pathos and desperation I'll make your doubts go away. But now I have to go away.
You're wrapping me in unique sheets of isolation. And then hooking me up on the walls of your convenience. You're picking, choosing and deciding and it's nothing that he didn't do to me before, him the one with the option of not having me as an option. Or him, the one with the month to spare. Or him, who snapped out of it just in time and didn't inform me.
I'm used to it. But it's a used I don't want to be.
A habit I don't want to keep.
I hate this. And I secretly hate enjoying this part of 1 a.m. tears and Classic Milds when I prefer Benson Lights so I just throw half of it away and hope the guards downstairs don't complain. When did it get so bad. That I made peace with my own absurd prerogatives?
It got here today. And I despise today. I want to despise you, if only I could. I'll attend my 8 a.m. lecture and hate it. Stand in the foyer two and a half hours later, and live, then want to relive, the pain. Let you in again just so you can capture me on film. Publish and freeze. Because those are the only moments it's not about your 80-20. I want a 100, and I know that when that happens. It wont favor me.
The realization, is cutting its way slowly through the point where my wrist meets my palm but I go on, and i just. don't. stop. Only now. Make that 4 seconds worth of rest.
Blink, blink, blink. No sleep. Girls who care too much for their own good, are too far away for mine. But evoke gratitude nonetheless. I can't even dial you any longer. Because you're dreaming. And I just wish I was too.
Good night my almost lover. Summer 2012, wish it were here already.
I love. :)
ReplyDeleteWould u believe if i tell u i am living ur story? Not just word to word, but minute to minute. And its pulling my heart, tearing it into pieces.
ReplyDeleteIt is going to be another smoky sleepless night.
I hope sharing it with someone will help you keep it together. As poetic as it is, it's not the best feeling to be ripped apart like that.
ReplyDeleteBut thank you guys. :)
You're wrapping me in unique sheets of isolation. And then hooking me up on the walls of your convenience
ReplyDeleteThe realization, is cutting its way slowly through the point where my wrist meets my palm but I go on, and i just. don't. stop. Only now. Make that 4 seconds worth of rest.
I can't even dial you any longer. Because you're dreaming. And I just wish I was too.
Amazing lines. Very well written. its madness but not..... its admission .....ah well.... Good to see you are updating it more regularly now :)..
cheers
you just get better and better. brilliant writing :)
ReplyDeleteAmazing expression of emotions! It can't get better. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThank you! (:
ReplyDelete