Malice In Wonderland.

While everyone was busy falling in love. I fell in hate. Hate for myself. Disgust for the life I'd come to live. And a conscience that didn't just prick. It stabbed until I was bleeding repugnance. An abhorrent picture of someone who lost all sense of being and belonging, somewhere along the way. I feel stripped. Of every hint of ignorance I'd grown to be comfortable wearing. Of every little nuance of innocence I could once relate to. Of vesture that may not have been glamorous, but it hid me well. From jealousies, temptations, malice, abuse and dark love. Basically everything that was real. That was evil. My safeguards from all of you.


Where they once promised me relief, unbounded love, selfless protection, and an unending friendship, I'm now looked at disdainfully and done away with a shrug. And if I'm lucky, a non-committal, monosyllabic reference. Fate. To say you've been cruel... That would be an understatement. 


I'd wanted to say more. Leak more pathos. Let on a few more of my agonizing stories. But I'm just going to tell you dear friend, that you're terribly missed. I'm slowly extracting you from my core, and it's going to take time, but I'm working on it. I'm still a childish romantic. So to say that I won't be waiting anymore, would be a lie. I'm just hoping you miss me half as much as I miss you. 


This morning somebody sent me a paragraph that I'd now like to share with you. 


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman


(Thank you Aman) :)

Crash and Burn.

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."- Arnold H. Glasgow


I set myself on fire, time and time again. Risked more than others thought was safe. Loved more than others thought was wise. Dreamt more than others thought was practical. And expected more than others thought was possible. And that's where I faltered.


People speak my mind all the time. It's untrue. But I let them. Because hell, dare I risk speaking my own mind! I have a tendency to plunge into a few moments of bliss, ignorant of the fact that while infinite moments do make up eternity, the moments themselves are not eternal. 


My mind and soul need desperately to be purged of everything beautiful and ugly. Because sure those classifications were made by me. But only under the influence and pressure of another pair. My phone hasn't buzzed yet. And I'm not even waiting anymore. I'm abstaining and rehabilitating. Just not sure if it's working. 


I'd wait for a friend, no matter how long they made me wait. Wherever they made me wait. Without so much as a complaint. Because I care. Sometimes too much. Because I love. Sometimes unrequitedly. But you've lost that place now. It's commendable how persistently you kept your efforts up. It paid off, didn't it? 


Your fellow conspirer that you probably don't even know about, lives in another tangential world. I am unaware of his thoughts, feelings, and whereabouts. Or whether they even exist in the first place. Everything starts with a roll in it. Or with the favorite alphabet J. And continues in a trance. But there's a lot more he tends to share and then bottle it up and throw it far out into the sea. Maybe another forlorn traveller finds what he disposed. I sincerely hope not. 


So while he continues choosing not to choose. And reading me incorrectly. Or correctly. Whatever. And speaking for me and taking away from me whatever I could have had even for the little while it was possible. I do not know how to thank his infallible efforts to deprive me. And his sadist self... You can continue settling for everything less(er). Settle all you want. I'll find other soothsayers, with similar pronouncements, 'now you're here, now you're not.' And face them. And try not repeating the cycle all over again.


Learn from thy mistakes. Because that's just what they are. Missed-takes. I'm looking for my perfect shot. 

Not Him?

"Lucky we're in love in every way."- Jason Mraz, Colbie Caillat.




Dear Unnamed Relationship,


I love you.
And I always will.
In some twisted, unexplained way.
Welcome back to the madness.


                      - Love, 'Saved Twice and Still Living.'

Blank Noise.

"No blinding light
Or tunnels, to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark."- Death Cab for Cutie


It's either the highest of highs,
Or the lowest of lows.
Living dangerously comes naturally to us.
Nothing is an option anymore.
Extremities conjure ghosts we banished a long time ago.
Vulnerability is not only over-rated,
It's an outright lie.
The stoics survive,
They exist. They breathe. So yeah, they live.
We're caught in the middle of hypocrites though.
Live and let live, is a lost mantra.
Moving in circles blindly,
Bumping into cliched monotones.
We didn't sign up for this.
We were told we had voices.
Incestuous thoughts and souls, pervert everything otherwise transparent.
Complexities that knot into Medusa's locks.
Look once, 
Live as a stone forever.
Fantasies garnished with Greek Gods and black roses.
Sometimes we can't tell the difference between nightmares and reality.


                               *********************************


Don't hold my heart in your fist. You think you're a preserver,
But I see blood. Murder.


You whisper my name and the winds sigh.
If I take your name, I'm in admittance.
Otherwise I just lie.


Barbaric animosities you place between us.
You're burning me in a never-ending fire.
I'm seared in a lifeless cauldron,
You're coated in a faultless frost.


Pretense has gotten the best of me.
Sadism, I'm told, now falls under frivolity.
Send me down the tunnel you found,
I have no voice,
I hear no sound.

You and I, Both. (:

Dear Bassists,


Saviours,
Please don't look us deep in the eyes and tell us we're absolutely amazing. Don't seduce us, confuse us, and seduce us again. Don't tell us you enjoy our company and don't refuse to get out of the coffee shop until thrown out only so that you can spend a few more minutes with us. Don't tell us you love our hair, fringed or otherwise. Don't kiss us like it's all you've ever wanted to do. Don't like the same music we do, have a voice like that, and sing it to us, for us. Don't look at us and smile that smile while performing on stage. It makes us fall in love with you. Momentarily. Even when you don't know it. Don't make us bare our souls and then not judge us. Don't tell us that no matter how tough we are, you still want to protect us. It makes us fall in love with you, just a little bit more. Don't be our best friends, lovers, or the ones we share an inside secret with, or an awkward hug with, or a shy smile with. Don't light our cigarettes with that smirk, even though we can't ourselves. Don't place your hands in the small of our backs and make us jump out of our skins, every single time. Don't love our dogs and make up your mind to get one yourselves. Don't treat us like we need help. We don't. Don't change your minds. Just make up your minds. We love you.


Just don't.
And then do it all over again. 


Love, The Saved.   

Sleeping Through Life. (Memoirs)

"Maybe it's a dream and if I scream it'll burst at the seams..."- Jack Johnson 


We love, we hate, we turn.
I prop my legs up on the sill, and yawn.
Tousled hair and an oversized tee.
The sun, nudging past obstacles, 
Touches my forehead tenderly.
And just like that you look at me,
You're beautiful, your eyes seem to say.
But your mouth just kisses me.


We obsess, we fight, we hurt.
With kohl-lined eyes and a scarlet mouth,
I make my way down the street now home.
But even home at night houses strangers.
But all dangers,
I pose,
Are to me. Myself. I don't know you anymore.
I tug at my LBD, take off my stilettos, 
Glinting gold.
And slip into you.
Into your once safe and warm hold.


We break, we take, and remake.
Bleak street lights on a winter night.
December clouds hover.
Two years and I've already found a lover,
In the heart of this city.
Bound to it by an intricate weave of friendships,
Sisterhood, love, laughter, heartbreak and tears.


We think, we ponder, we procrastinate.
Strewn DVD's across purple bed sheets,
The blue and white of Facebook...
Fashionistas and snob magazines,
And empty pizza boxes.


The innocent eyes are now a distant haze,
Seeing but not focusing.
Vacant with all the smoke.
Lover,
Call me beautiful.
Struggle,
I'll bear with you.
Usher,
Me into the deeper recesses of insanity.

Calm. Storm.

"...and it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied."- Rihanna


I was perfectly fine. I was doing okay. 
But that wasn't okay with you.