Sleeping Through Life. (Memoirs)

"Maybe it's a dream and if I scream it'll burst at the seams..."- Jack Johnson 


We love, we hate, we turn.
I prop my legs up on the sill, and yawn.
Tousled hair and an oversized tee.
The sun, nudging past obstacles, 
Touches my forehead tenderly.
And just like that you look at me,
You're beautiful, your eyes seem to say.
But your mouth just kisses me.


We obsess, we fight, we hurt.
With kohl-lined eyes and a scarlet mouth,
I make my way down the street now home.
But even home at night houses strangers.
But all dangers,
I pose,
Are to me. Myself. I don't know you anymore.
I tug at my LBD, take off my stilettos, 
Glinting gold.
And slip into you.
Into your once safe and warm hold.


We break, we take, and remake.
Bleak street lights on a winter night.
December clouds hover.
Two years and I've already found a lover,
In the heart of this city.
Bound to it by an intricate weave of friendships,
Sisterhood, love, laughter, heartbreak and tears.


We think, we ponder, we procrastinate.
Strewn DVD's across purple bed sheets,
The blue and white of Facebook...
Fashionistas and snob magazines,
And empty pizza boxes.


The innocent eyes are now a distant haze,
Seeing but not focusing.
Vacant with all the smoke.
Lover,
Call me beautiful.
Struggle,
I'll bear with you.
Usher,
Me into the deeper recesses of insanity.

Calm. Storm.

"...and it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied."- Rihanna


I was perfectly fine. I was doing okay. 
But that wasn't okay with you.

Of Scarred Swans.

                     "She's got you high, and you don't even know yet."- Mumm-Ra


I've never been here before. I'm looking at myself from a distance, for the few moments that I can manage that, I don't like what I see. The three by two mirror frame that has seen me transform, lies. There was a time I believed it when one voice, not quite aiming to be heard, said it. But now it takes a million hollow voices shouting from rooftops for me to believe I'm beautiful. Or something like that. 
Ugly ducklings do turn into swans. But our childhood story never even hinted at the painstaking and dramatic evolving that takes place in the process of the transformation. And it still doesn't quite end there. Somewhere along the way you believe in Shah Rukh Khan and Santa Claus. Somewhere along the way you fall in love, face flat. And somewhere along the way your heart shatters to such pieces that the sound of the crash can be heard above the tremors of the ocean and the cheers of drunk bar crawlers.
You blame it on the alcohol, you blame it on too many restrictions that your parents imposed on you, even though you don't understand why. You blame it on finding so many opportunities to experience so much in one, metaphorically one, night. Especially when all you have seen up until now, is a narrow, deflated bubble romanticizing your view of the world by means of its constricted opening. Don't blame me. I was just having fun. I wasn't really thinking.
Each time you say those words, and the more you repeat them, the more you actually end up believing them. Even if it was all a lie to begin with. False claims about myself won't get me anywhere. Or won't they? 
Opinions and lectures will come from every direction. Judgements galore. But the swans are too self-consumed by now and have missed out on way too much for way too long to really stop even if they want to. We're too far along. We've all come a long way. But somehow there's still comfort in my, caught up with lipgloss, rising hemlines and too many tongues to remember, heart and mind when I learn that somebody still smiles when they think of me. That their heart beats a tad bit faster when they hear my name. And that there's a possibility that I'm the reason they endorse romantic cliches, tear jerking movies and sappy-to-the-point-of-being-pathetic songs. 
I'm still deriving comfort and discomfort from episodes in my life that just don't fail to disappoint. And duckling or swan, I'm still hopelessly waiting to be swept off my feet by a Shah Rukh Khan, if only to be dropped back down to Earth. Again. Always.  

Oh, you.

Wow.
Here it is.
There you are.
A year ago, I'd miss those green eyes as easily as I'd find hazel. But now I have to tear my gaze away. I don't want to be caught. You know.
Of course I'm strong. I have no emotions. My heart's dried up. 
Yes I miss my friends talking about the way you looked at me. And sure, I miss how you'd lift me, just for a second, away from the crowd, and plant a kiss on my forehead, only to place me back in the drama, dreamily. Reality. 
But I don't remember. I don't think. I'm closed. I'm strong. 
"Are you listening to what I'm saying?!"
"Yeah babe. But. I have a new plan. I'm putting things into perspective. Wanna hear about it?"
Sigh. "Sure."
Dear Oblivion with a face. I love you.
I love teaching you. I love the the task of containing you, just for the thrill of what you're going to burst into next. Exploding. 
I didn't say that. I don't love. I don't feel.
Who knew you'd creep into me now? NOW? Why me? Self preservation. 
Must.
Be.
Strong.
Inside of me.
Hold me by the waist.
Shut me up with a kiss.
Don't think of a birthday present for me.
Laugh at me, let me sulk, and then give me such a look that I forgive murder.
Keep me where all I can breathe is you.
Trust me, that all I want is you.
Flawed. Inconsiderate. Oblivious. 
I did not say that. My heart's dried up. I hope the ink does too...

Fumes Beyond the Glitter.

Sharp edges and pitch dark. It's so cold. What is this place? I hear laughter far away. Really far away. I try following the sound, the warmth. But my face meets glass. Icy, hard glass. Unbreakable. I want to cry but the tears don't come. I want to scream but my voice is lost. I collapse on the stone floor. Crumpled to nothing. 


"Babe, you know I really like you right? I want you to know, I'll always be there for you."


How does one change a habit? Your feeling is the only one I'm aware of. The feeling of 'you.' Even if you took me in your arms only to push me off the edge, I wouldn't flinch. The breaths would come and go. My heart would beat steadily, while I smiled and shut my eyes, only to embrace death. Because you gave it to me.


"Wow. I'm speechless. Your Grey Fairy-tale?"


Grey being the key word. So much laughter. Now there's only shrill silence. It hurts to listen for too long. Half real. Half unreal. It wasn't only after I'd inhaled. The smoke just enhanced our essence. I still don't know if it was real. Are you for real?


"So it's like this. We move in concentric circles. I was him in my relationship with J... J will be me in his next. What's it gonna be for us?"


We're equals. Tiny fragments of me have been left behind, please look, won't you? If you didn't roll me into one and smoke it already... Level 10. Level ' a new number.' How did we get here? How did I get here? I've lost me. I've found me. Help. It's too lonely here. Too cold. I can try and cry. As much, in my burrow, and get done too, complete a circle, get back to the starting point and nobody's lives would have changed. But will you know? Somehow? Shut forever. I lay shivering on the ground. Faintly aware of distant laughter, conversation and oblivious joy.


"I'm in love with this moment. I love you."
"I'm sorry..."


You never said it. And I stopped breathing.

Superstar.

I'm shining bright tonight.
The apple of everyones eye.
I don't want to escape the limelight.
They ask if I'm in love.
I say I never was.
I toy with the idea of lying a little more,
Enjoy the fake drama a little more.
They 'ooh' and 'aah' a little more,
and I find my way into their hearts.
The lights go out, it's 3 am.
Not a single star in the sky.
Me, a dull light. 
No audience. No admirers.
Just me and my thoughts.
The unimpressive ones.
Lost intimacy.
I miss you.
Selfish me would have wanted to hang onto every last straw.
But I'm in love. I had to set you free.
Fly back, won't you?
In and out of love every once in a while.
Permanence is a foreign concept.
Seeking, searching, striking off.
Next, please?

Can't Be My Nightmare

I can hold my world in a fist now.
And when I clench, I can feel it swirl around,
touch and go,
making the insides of my fingers feel like they can't hold it in any longer.


Losing control,
while presiding at the supreme-most power position.
I suddenly let go.
Because I was made to believe otherwise.
Fear always grips me before the situation really does.
And all of a sudden, darkness engulfs me.
And then I'm transported.


White, snow-like meadows stretch till as far as I can see. 
And a cloudless pink sky looms overhead.
There's one tree to shade me,
and a golden daffodil in my hand.
And I can almost sense you.
Feel your arms encircle me breezily.
And your controlled breath at the nape of my neck.
And I try and distinguish it from the competing wind. 
No luck.


The stark starlight makes way for itself.
And out of the blue, I feel like I'm levitating.
Towards you or away from you, I can't quite tell.
This place faintly smells of you.


A thunder and a booming crash.
And I'm back to the scary place it all began.