Of Scarred Swans.

                     "She's got you high, and you don't even know yet."- Mumm-Ra


I've never been here before. I'm looking at myself from a distance, for the few moments that I can manage that, I don't like what I see. The three by two mirror frame that has seen me transform, lies. There was a time I believed it when one voice, not quite aiming to be heard, said it. But now it takes a million hollow voices shouting from rooftops for me to believe I'm beautiful. Or something like that. 
Ugly ducklings do turn into swans. But our childhood story never even hinted at the painstaking and dramatic evolving that takes place in the process of the transformation. And it still doesn't quite end there. Somewhere along the way you believe in Shah Rukh Khan and Santa Claus. Somewhere along the way you fall in love, face flat. And somewhere along the way your heart shatters to such pieces that the sound of the crash can be heard above the tremors of the ocean and the cheers of drunk bar crawlers.
You blame it on the alcohol, you blame it on too many restrictions that your parents imposed on you, even though you don't understand why. You blame it on finding so many opportunities to experience so much in one, metaphorically one, night. Especially when all you have seen up until now, is a narrow, deflated bubble romanticizing your view of the world by means of its constricted opening. Don't blame me. I was just having fun. I wasn't really thinking.
Each time you say those words, and the more you repeat them, the more you actually end up believing them. Even if it was all a lie to begin with. False claims about myself won't get me anywhere. Or won't they? 
Opinions and lectures will come from every direction. Judgements galore. But the swans are too self-consumed by now and have missed out on way too much for way too long to really stop even if they want to. We're too far along. We've all come a long way. But somehow there's still comfort in my, caught up with lipgloss, rising hemlines and too many tongues to remember, heart and mind when I learn that somebody still smiles when they think of me. That their heart beats a tad bit faster when they hear my name. And that there's a possibility that I'm the reason they endorse romantic cliches, tear jerking movies and sappy-to-the-point-of-being-pathetic songs. 
I'm still deriving comfort and discomfort from episodes in my life that just don't fail to disappoint. And duckling or swan, I'm still hopelessly waiting to be swept off my feet by a Shah Rukh Khan, if only to be dropped back down to Earth. Again. Always.  

Oh, you.

Wow.
Here it is.
There you are.
A year ago, I'd miss those green eyes as easily as I'd find hazel. But now I have to tear my gaze away. I don't want to be caught. You know.
Of course I'm strong. I have no emotions. My heart's dried up. 
Yes I miss my friends talking about the way you looked at me. And sure, I miss how you'd lift me, just for a second, away from the crowd, and plant a kiss on my forehead, only to place me back in the drama, dreamily. Reality. 
But I don't remember. I don't think. I'm closed. I'm strong. 
"Are you listening to what I'm saying?!"
"Yeah babe. But. I have a new plan. I'm putting things into perspective. Wanna hear about it?"
Sigh. "Sure."
Dear Oblivion with a face. I love you.
I love teaching you. I love the the task of containing you, just for the thrill of what you're going to burst into next. Exploding. 
I didn't say that. I don't love. I don't feel.
Who knew you'd creep into me now? NOW? Why me? Self preservation. 
Must.
Be.
Strong.
Inside of me.
Hold me by the waist.
Shut me up with a kiss.
Don't think of a birthday present for me.
Laugh at me, let me sulk, and then give me such a look that I forgive murder.
Keep me where all I can breathe is you.
Trust me, that all I want is you.
Flawed. Inconsiderate. Oblivious. 
I did not say that. My heart's dried up. I hope the ink does too...

Fumes Beyond the Glitter.

Sharp edges and pitch dark. It's so cold. What is this place? I hear laughter far away. Really far away. I try following the sound, the warmth. But my face meets glass. Icy, hard glass. Unbreakable. I want to cry but the tears don't come. I want to scream but my voice is lost. I collapse on the stone floor. Crumpled to nothing. 


"Babe, you know I really like you right? I want you to know, I'll always be there for you."


How does one change a habit? Your feeling is the only one I'm aware of. The feeling of 'you.' Even if you took me in your arms only to push me off the edge, I wouldn't flinch. The breaths would come and go. My heart would beat steadily, while I smiled and shut my eyes, only to embrace death. Because you gave it to me.


"Wow. I'm speechless. Your Grey Fairy-tale?"


Grey being the key word. So much laughter. Now there's only shrill silence. It hurts to listen for too long. Half real. Half unreal. It wasn't only after I'd inhaled. The smoke just enhanced our essence. I still don't know if it was real. Are you for real?


"So it's like this. We move in concentric circles. I was him in my relationship with J... J will be me in his next. What's it gonna be for us?"


We're equals. Tiny fragments of me have been left behind, please look, won't you? If you didn't roll me into one and smoke it already... Level 10. Level ' a new number.' How did we get here? How did I get here? I've lost me. I've found me. Help. It's too lonely here. Too cold. I can try and cry. As much, in my burrow, and get done too, complete a circle, get back to the starting point and nobody's lives would have changed. But will you know? Somehow? Shut forever. I lay shivering on the ground. Faintly aware of distant laughter, conversation and oblivious joy.


"I'm in love with this moment. I love you."
"I'm sorry..."


You never said it. And I stopped breathing.

Superstar.

I'm shining bright tonight.
The apple of everyones eye.
I don't want to escape the limelight.
They ask if I'm in love.
I say I never was.
I toy with the idea of lying a little more,
Enjoy the fake drama a little more.
They 'ooh' and 'aah' a little more,
and I find my way into their hearts.
The lights go out, it's 3 am.
Not a single star in the sky.
Me, a dull light. 
No audience. No admirers.
Just me and my thoughts.
The unimpressive ones.
Lost intimacy.
I miss you.
Selfish me would have wanted to hang onto every last straw.
But I'm in love. I had to set you free.
Fly back, won't you?
In and out of love every once in a while.
Permanence is a foreign concept.
Seeking, searching, striking off.
Next, please?

Can't Be My Nightmare

I can hold my world in a fist now.
And when I clench, I can feel it swirl around,
touch and go,
making the insides of my fingers feel like they can't hold it in any longer.


Losing control,
while presiding at the supreme-most power position.
I suddenly let go.
Because I was made to believe otherwise.
Fear always grips me before the situation really does.
And all of a sudden, darkness engulfs me.
And then I'm transported.


White, snow-like meadows stretch till as far as I can see. 
And a cloudless pink sky looms overhead.
There's one tree to shade me,
and a golden daffodil in my hand.
And I can almost sense you.
Feel your arms encircle me breezily.
And your controlled breath at the nape of my neck.
And I try and distinguish it from the competing wind. 
No luck.


The stark starlight makes way for itself.
And out of the blue, I feel like I'm levitating.
Towards you or away from you, I can't quite tell.
This place faintly smells of you.


A thunder and a booming crash.
And I'm back to the scary place it all began.

My Grey Fairy-tale.

"...and all the sunsets that we miss, I'll wrap them all up in a kiss."- Train


You make me smile.
From that early morning message,
to that silly joke.
From that giggly nudge,
to that sudden kiss.
You make me smile on the inside.


We sit and dream together.
Intoxicated, we laugh at the castles we built on clouds,
some blue, some pink.
And then happily go and jump on the clouds,
until they come crashing down.
And then it rains, and rains, and rains non-stop.
And we drink and dance in it.
And we don't seem to need anybody else.
Anything else.
Perfectly content.
It's how I feel when the glitter floats up in the glass dome,
and falls back down, revealing the palace.


And we smile,
and leave our footprints to be washed.


We watch a scary movie,
only so we can kiss in the dark.
And then we look into each others eyes and burst out laughing.
Because the seriousness is funny.


I'd peck you on the nose, 
while looking into your grey-green eyes.
Then suddenly feel like melting into you.


Because when I flicker back at 4 am,
I like you there.
Tangled up in me,
while the sun streamed down through water droplets like crystals.
Such that we glowed.
Shiny, happy people.


We imagine and build.
And recreate what we must.
If I imagined the sea,
you'd imagine applause.
And then we'd spot those horses on the road.
Brown and white.
Figments of our imagination.
Hints of black.
Just like us.


White froth crashing against the sea rocks,
under a blue sky I can't name.
You take in my scent,
and try to be discreet.
Might as well have inhaled me.


I want to wear a tiara,
I want to paint unicorns,
but purple.
I want to lay back and watch the parakeets gliding,
and maybe hold your hand.
While yellow nail paint is spilling over in the background.
And some wordless tunes play overhead.
So I throw in some words.


Jukeboxes and chilled beers.
Take me away.
Someplace we can do all of it and not be watched.
We drive and we drive and we never stop.
My hair's wet again.
And I don't wanna stop feeling it, thinking it, or saying it.


I have a feeling I make you smile.
  

Lost In Between.

It's not the same anymore.
I'm not who I was anymore.
They stayed where they were.
I moved onto worlds that were sure.


One said he didn't want this right now.
The other wanted it.
Needed it and how.
I turned my face away.
My body and soul the other way.


You hold me, but not to fling me away.
You look at me, but don't keep your eyes there.
You say everything you mean.
But you don't tell me you love me.
The sheen on my forehead doesn't wrinkle.
But my eyes don't focus.


I don't know what I want.
I want you now.
Be with me.
You might not have to stay.