Sharp edges and pitch dark. It's so cold. What is this place? I hear laughter far away. Really far away. I try following the sound, the warmth. But my face meets glass. Icy, hard glass. Unbreakable. I want to cry but the tears don't come. I want to scream but my voice is lost. I collapse on the stone floor. Crumpled to nothing.
"Babe, you know I really like you right? I want you to know, I'll always be there for you."
How does one change a habit? Your feeling is the only one I'm aware of. The feeling of 'you.' Even if you took me in your arms only to push me off the edge, I wouldn't flinch. The breaths would come and go. My heart would beat steadily, while I smiled and shut my eyes, only to embrace death. Because you gave it to me.
"Wow. I'm speechless. Your Grey Fairy-tale?"
Grey being the key word. So much laughter. Now there's only shrill silence. It hurts to listen for too long. Half real. Half unreal. It wasn't only after I'd inhaled. The smoke just enhanced our essence. I still don't know if it was real. Are you for real?
"So it's like this. We move in concentric circles. I was him in my relationship with J... J will be me in his next. What's it gonna be for us?"
We're equals. Tiny fragments of me have been left behind, please look, won't you? If you didn't roll me into one and smoke it already... Level 10. Level ' a new number.' How did we get here? How did I get here? I've lost me. I've found me. Help. It's too lonely here. Too cold. I can try and cry. As much, in my burrow, and get done too, complete a circle, get back to the starting point and nobody's lives would have changed. But will you know? Somehow? Shut forever. I lay shivering on the ground. Faintly aware of distant laughter, conversation and oblivious joy.
"I'm in love with this moment. I love you."
"I'm sorry..."
You never said it. And I stopped breathing.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Superstar.
I'm shining bright tonight.
The apple of everyones eye.
I don't want to escape the limelight.
They ask if I'm in love.
I say I never was.
I toy with the idea of lying a little more,
Enjoy the fake drama a little more.
They 'ooh' and 'aah' a little more,
and I find my way into their hearts.
The lights go out, it's 3 am.
Not a single star in the sky.
Me, a dull light.
No audience. No admirers.
Just me and my thoughts.
The unimpressive ones.
Lost intimacy.
I miss you.
Selfish me would have wanted to hang onto every last straw.
But I'm in love. I had to set you free.
Fly back, won't you?
In and out of love every once in a while.
Permanence is a foreign concept.
Seeking, searching, striking off.
Next, please?
The apple of everyones eye.
I don't want to escape the limelight.
They ask if I'm in love.
I say I never was.
I toy with the idea of lying a little more,
Enjoy the fake drama a little more.
They 'ooh' and 'aah' a little more,
and I find my way into their hearts.
The lights go out, it's 3 am.
Not a single star in the sky.
Me, a dull light.
No audience. No admirers.
Just me and my thoughts.
The unimpressive ones.
Lost intimacy.
I miss you.
Selfish me would have wanted to hang onto every last straw.
But I'm in love. I had to set you free.
Fly back, won't you?
In and out of love every once in a while.
Permanence is a foreign concept.
Seeking, searching, striking off.
Next, please?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Can't Be My Nightmare
I can hold my world in a fist now.
And when I clench, I can feel it swirl around,
touch and go,
making the insides of my fingers feel like they can't hold it in any longer.
Losing control,
while presiding at the supreme-most power position.
I suddenly let go.
Because I was made to believe otherwise.
Fear always grips me before the situation really does.
And all of a sudden, darkness engulfs me.
And then I'm transported.
White, snow-like meadows stretch till as far as I can see.
And a cloudless pink sky looms overhead.
There's one tree to shade me,
and a golden daffodil in my hand.
And I can almost sense you.
Feel your arms encircle me breezily.
And your controlled breath at the nape of my neck.
And I try and distinguish it from the competing wind.
No luck.
The stark starlight makes way for itself.
And out of the blue, I feel like I'm levitating.
Towards you or away from you, I can't quite tell.
This place faintly smells of you.
A thunder and a booming crash.
And I'm back to the scary place it all began.
And when I clench, I can feel it swirl around,
touch and go,
making the insides of my fingers feel like they can't hold it in any longer.
Losing control,
while presiding at the supreme-most power position.
I suddenly let go.
Because I was made to believe otherwise.
Fear always grips me before the situation really does.
And all of a sudden, darkness engulfs me.
And then I'm transported.
White, snow-like meadows stretch till as far as I can see.
And a cloudless pink sky looms overhead.
There's one tree to shade me,
and a golden daffodil in my hand.
And I can almost sense you.
Feel your arms encircle me breezily.
And your controlled breath at the nape of my neck.
And I try and distinguish it from the competing wind.
No luck.
The stark starlight makes way for itself.
And out of the blue, I feel like I'm levitating.
Towards you or away from you, I can't quite tell.
This place faintly smells of you.
A thunder and a booming crash.
And I'm back to the scary place it all began.
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Grey Fairy-tale.
"...and all the sunsets that we miss, I'll wrap them all up in a kiss."- Train
You make me smile.
From that early morning message,
to that silly joke.
From that giggly nudge,
to that sudden kiss.
You make me smile on the inside.
We sit and dream together.
Intoxicated, we laugh at the castles we built on clouds,
some blue, some pink.
And then happily go and jump on the clouds,
until they come crashing down.
And then it rains, and rains, and rains non-stop.
And we drink and dance in it.
And we don't seem to need anybody else.
Anything else.
Perfectly content.
It's how I feel when the glitter floats up in the glass dome,
and falls back down, revealing the palace.
And we smile,
and leave our footprints to be washed.
We watch a scary movie,
only so we can kiss in the dark.
And then we look into each others eyes and burst out laughing.
Because the seriousness is funny.
I'd peck you on the nose,
while looking into your grey-green eyes.
Then suddenly feel like melting into you.
Because when I flicker back at 4 am,
I like you there.
Tangled up in me,
while the sun streamed down through water droplets like crystals.
Such that we glowed.
Shiny, happy people.
We imagine and build.
And recreate what we must.
If I imagined the sea,
you'd imagine applause.
And then we'd spot those horses on the road.
Brown and white.
Figments of our imagination.
Hints of black.
Just like us.
White froth crashing against the sea rocks,
under a blue sky I can't name.
You take in my scent,
and try to be discreet.
Might as well have inhaled me.
I want to wear a tiara,
I want to paint unicorns,
but purple.
I want to lay back and watch the parakeets gliding,
and maybe hold your hand.
While yellow nail paint is spilling over in the background.
And some wordless tunes play overhead.
So I throw in some words.
Jukeboxes and chilled beers.
Take me away.
Someplace we can do all of it and not be watched.
We drive and we drive and we never stop.
My hair's wet again.
And I don't wanna stop feeling it, thinking it, or saying it.
I have a feeling I make you smile.
You make me smile.
From that early morning message,
to that silly joke.
From that giggly nudge,
to that sudden kiss.
You make me smile on the inside.
We sit and dream together.
Intoxicated, we laugh at the castles we built on clouds,
some blue, some pink.
And then happily go and jump on the clouds,
until they come crashing down.
And then it rains, and rains, and rains non-stop.
And we drink and dance in it.
And we don't seem to need anybody else.
Anything else.
Perfectly content.
It's how I feel when the glitter floats up in the glass dome,
and falls back down, revealing the palace.
And we smile,
and leave our footprints to be washed.
We watch a scary movie,
only so we can kiss in the dark.
And then we look into each others eyes and burst out laughing.
Because the seriousness is funny.
I'd peck you on the nose,
while looking into your grey-green eyes.
Then suddenly feel like melting into you.
Because when I flicker back at 4 am,
I like you there.
Tangled up in me,
while the sun streamed down through water droplets like crystals.
Such that we glowed.
Shiny, happy people.
We imagine and build.
And recreate what we must.
If I imagined the sea,
you'd imagine applause.
And then we'd spot those horses on the road.
Brown and white.
Figments of our imagination.
Hints of black.
Just like us.
White froth crashing against the sea rocks,
under a blue sky I can't name.
You take in my scent,
and try to be discreet.
Might as well have inhaled me.
I want to wear a tiara,
I want to paint unicorns,
but purple.
I want to lay back and watch the parakeets gliding,
and maybe hold your hand.
While yellow nail paint is spilling over in the background.
And some wordless tunes play overhead.
So I throw in some words.
Jukeboxes and chilled beers.
Take me away.
Someplace we can do all of it and not be watched.
We drive and we drive and we never stop.
My hair's wet again.
And I don't wanna stop feeling it, thinking it, or saying it.
I have a feeling I make you smile.
Lost In Between.
It's not the same anymore.
I'm not who I was anymore.
They stayed where they were.
I moved onto worlds that were sure.
One said he didn't want this right now.
The other wanted it.
Needed it and how.
I turned my face away.
My body and soul the other way.
You hold me, but not to fling me away.
You look at me, but don't keep your eyes there.
You say everything you mean.
But you don't tell me you love me.
The sheen on my forehead doesn't wrinkle.
But my eyes don't focus.
I don't know what I want.
I want you now.
Be with me.
You might not have to stay.
I'm not who I was anymore.
They stayed where they were.
I moved onto worlds that were sure.
One said he didn't want this right now.
The other wanted it.
Needed it and how.
I turned my face away.
My body and soul the other way.
You hold me, but not to fling me away.
You look at me, but don't keep your eyes there.
You say everything you mean.
But you don't tell me you love me.
The sheen on my forehead doesn't wrinkle.
But my eyes don't focus.
I don't know what I want.
I want you now.
Be with me.
You might not have to stay.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sorry
Heartbreak.
Heartbreak.
Heartbreak.
Repair.
Reuse.
Break.
Dear J,
Today after 4 months, 18 days, 22 hours, and 46 minutes, I feel upset. There's some stinging in my eyes. But they're probably yours. The tears. I want to cry for you. It's the least I can do. I do love you. Don't hate me for falling. Falling every way. In and out of love. Failing. Around attraction. Around confusion. I keep slipping because it's slippery. But you were a dry plank that kept its place for as long as it could. Stay, wont you? Don't make me hate this. Hate me.
Because no matter what. I know the pretty stretch will always exist. Those letters will exist. The CD's will. The clothes will. The faint cologne will. The photographs will.
But most of all.
The feeling will.
And you and I will.
Forgive me J.
Heartbreak.
Heartbreak.
Repair.
Reuse.
Break.
Dear J,
Today after 4 months, 18 days, 22 hours, and 46 minutes, I feel upset. There's some stinging in my eyes. But they're probably yours. The tears. I want to cry for you. It's the least I can do. I do love you. Don't hate me for falling. Falling every way. In and out of love. Failing. Around attraction. Around confusion. I keep slipping because it's slippery. But you were a dry plank that kept its place for as long as it could. Stay, wont you? Don't make me hate this. Hate me.
Because no matter what. I know the pretty stretch will always exist. Those letters will exist. The CD's will. The clothes will. The faint cologne will. The photographs will.
But most of all.
The feeling will.
And you and I will.
Forgive me J.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Surreal Sacrifice
She watched as he walked away.
With tears stinging her eyes,
she watched her life shatter into a million glass pieces,
dissolve in thick red and choke.
She watched him walk away.
Paralyzed.
She was in a different place in an instant.
Beauty that was too refined for permanence.
It was like watching the rainfall from a distance.
Through a rose-tinted screen.
The sun diamonds retired at a dramatic moment,
when a thousand rainbows were sketched into quasi-life.
Hazed.
The stream wove its way around the buzzing turquoise,
at the precise moment when his fingers, and his soul,
wove themselves out of hers.
But when her 'I love you' got a heartless response.
She was chilled.
Calmly frantic.
Helpless.
You lied.
This way I wont have to. Ever again.
You made me fall in love with you.
You wouldn't have it any other way. You were always stubborn.
He smiled.
Bile rose up to her throat.
She stood up and walked away.
Her mind a dangerous picture of the tangential confidence,
that she abstractly painted.
She floated through the wild white.
Almost as a glowing aura.
Soulless.
She collapsed right where she was.
In reality.
Her mind was now living a different dream,
and coercing her body to join it.
It was impossible to function now.
Without mist around the edges.
Without bleeding hands, and scars in the shape of tiny hearts.
Without tears and passion.
Without loud, loud laughter and wet, mud stains.
Without extremes.
Without emotions.
Human.
She wept over his lifeless body.
And over the smooth ink on paper.
Smudged clouds poured over her in midnight blue.
She sat in the middle of it all,
with red swans.
And red tears.
Sucked of every joy.
Paralyzed. Hazed. Helpless. Soulless. Only Human.
With tears stinging her eyes,
she watched her life shatter into a million glass pieces,
dissolve in thick red and choke.
She watched him walk away.
Paralyzed.
She was in a different place in an instant.
Beauty that was too refined for permanence.
It was like watching the rainfall from a distance.
Through a rose-tinted screen.
The sun diamonds retired at a dramatic moment,
when a thousand rainbows were sketched into quasi-life.
Hazed.
The stream wove its way around the buzzing turquoise,
at the precise moment when his fingers, and his soul,
wove themselves out of hers.
But when her 'I love you' got a heartless response.
She was chilled.
Calmly frantic.
Helpless.
You lied.
This way I wont have to. Ever again.
You made me fall in love with you.
You wouldn't have it any other way. You were always stubborn.
He smiled.
Bile rose up to her throat.
She stood up and walked away.
Her mind a dangerous picture of the tangential confidence,
that she abstractly painted.
She floated through the wild white.
Almost as a glowing aura.
Soulless.
She collapsed right where she was.
In reality.
Her mind was now living a different dream,
and coercing her body to join it.
It was impossible to function now.
Without mist around the edges.
Without bleeding hands, and scars in the shape of tiny hearts.
Without tears and passion.
Without loud, loud laughter and wet, mud stains.
Without extremes.
Without emotions.
Human.
She wept over his lifeless body.
And over the smooth ink on paper.
Smudged clouds poured over her in midnight blue.
She sat in the middle of it all,
with red swans.
And red tears.
Sucked of every joy.
Paralyzed. Hazed. Helpless. Soulless. Only Human.
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